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Last Update: 1/13/2017 1208



Back Running With Scissors
1. The Saga Begins (5:28)
2. My Baby's In Love With Eddie Vedder (3:26)
3. Pretty Fly For A Rabbi (3:02)
4. The Weird Al Show Theme (1:14)
5. Jerry Springer (2:46)
6. Germs (4:38)
7. Polka Power (4:21)
8. Your Horoscope For Today (3:58)
9. It's All About The Pentiums (3:34)
10. Truck Drivin Song (2:27)
11. Grapefruit Diet (3:30)
12. Albuquerque (11:22)

01 THE SAGA BEGINS

(5:28)

Parody of "American Pie" by Don McClean



A long, long time ago in a galaxy far away
Naboo was under an attack and I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn
Could talk the federation into maybe cutting them a little slack
But their response, it didn't thrill us
They locked the doors and tried to kill us
We escaped from that gas then met Jar Jar and Boss Nass
We took a bongo from the scene and we went to Theed to see the Queen
We all wound up on Tatooine
That's where we found this boy

Oh my, my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later
Now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin soon I'm gonna be a Jedi
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi

Did you know this junkyard slave isn't even old enough to shave
And he can use the Force, they say
Ahh, do you see him hitting on the queen though he's just nine and she's fourteen
Yah, he's probably gonna marry her someday
Well, I know he built C-3PO and I've heard how fast his pod can go
And we were broke, it's true, so we made a wager or two
He was a prepubescent flyin ace and the minute Jabba started off that race
Well, I knew who would win first place
Oh yes, it was our boy

We started singin
Oh my, my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later
Now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin soon I'm gonna be a Jedi
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi

Now we finally got to Coruscant
The Jedi Council we knew would want to see how good the boy could be
So we took him there and we told the tale how his midi-chlorians were off the scale
And he might fulfill that prophecy
Oh, the council was impressed, of course, could he bring balance to the force
They interview the kid, oh, training they forbid
Because Yoda sensed in him much fear and Qui-Gon said now listen here
Just stick it in your pointy ear
I still will teach this boy

Oh my, my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later
Now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin soon I'm gonna be a Jedi
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi

We caught a ride back to Naboo cause Queen Amidala wanted to
I frankly would've liked to stay
We all fought in that epic war and it wasn't long at all
Before little hotshot flew his plane and saved the day
And in the end some Gunguns died
Some ships blew up and some pilots fried
A lot of folks were croakin, the battle droids were broken
And the Jedi I admire most met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast
Well, I'm still here and he's a ghost
I guess I'll train this boy

And I was singin
Oh my, my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later
Now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin soon I'm gonna be a Jedi
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi

We were singin' ...
Oh my, my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later
Now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin soon I'm gonna be a Jedi
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi

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02 MY BABY'S IN LOVE WITH EDDIE VEDDER

(3:26)

Oh, my baby, my baby she don't want me no more
Ever since she saw his poster in that record store
She says the way he grinds his molars is really sexy
She thinks he's so darn dysfunctional and generation X-y
She likes his brooding angst and his wild-eyed stare
Yeah, he's her very favorite slacker multi millionaire

Well, my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
She's all crazy bout that Eddie Vedder
Once she was mine, but now I better just forget her
Cause my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder

Now, every time I see him, well, he looks so grim
I guess it really must suck to be a rock star like him
What a pain in the butt to have so much success
Spending all his time moping and avoiding the press
But my girl can't get enough of his sullen demeanor
Like he's some big tortured genious and I'm some kinda wiener

Well, my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
She's got a thing for that Eddie Vedder
Tell me, what can he do that I can't do better
Now my baby's in love with

I said I said I said my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
Head over heels for that Eddie Vedder
I cant believe it, now she's knitting him a sweater
Cause my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder

I knew we were headin for disaster
When she caught me hangin out at the Ticketmaster
Now she's got an unrequited adoration
For the frustrated, agitated, designated alienated
Spokesman for the disaffected grunge generation

Well, I don't wear Doc Martens and I don't wear flannel
And I don't boycott the music video channel
And I just can't compete with all that money and fame
But I know two can play at this kind of game
Yeah, let's just see how jealous she'll get
When I start stalking Alanis Morissette

Well, my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
She's all crazy bout that Eddie Vedder
Once she was mine but now I better just forget her
Cause my baby's in love with

I said I said I said my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
Why'd she have to fall for that Eddie Vedder
If she wants to leave me, I guess I better let her
Cause my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder

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03 PRETTY FLY FOR A RABBI

(3:02)

Parody of "Pretty Fly For A White Guy" by The Offspring



Veren zol fun dir a blintsa

(How ya doin Bernie) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin Bernie) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin Bernie) Oy vey, oy vey
And all the goyim say I'm pretty fly for a rabbi

Meccha leccha hi, meccha hiney hiney ho

Our temple's had a fair share of rabbis in the past
But most of em were nudniks and none of em would last
But our new guy's real kosher, I think he'll do the trick
I tell ya, he's to die for - he really knows his shtick

So how's by you? Have you seen this Jew?
Reads the Torah, does his own accounting too
Workin like a dog at the synagogue
He's there all day, he's there all day
Just say vay iz mir and he'll kick into gear
He'll bring you lots of cheer and maybe bagels with some shmeer
Just grab your yarmulka and
Hey, hey, do that Hebrew thing

(How ya doin Bernie) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin Bernie) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin Bernie) Oy vey, oy vey
And all the goyim say I'm pretty fly (for a rabbi)

He shops at discount stores, not just any will suffice
He has to find a bargain cause he won't pay retail price
He never acts meshugga and he's hardly a schlemiel
But if you wanna haggle, oy, he'll make you such a deal

People used to scoff, now they say mazel tov
He's such a macher cause he worked his tuchis off
Yeah, he keeps his cool and teaches shul
What's not to like, what's not to like
On high holy days, you know he prays and prays
And he never eats pastrami on white bread with mayonnaise
Put on your yarmulka and
Hey, hey, do that Hebrew thing

When he's doing a Bar Mitzvah, now that you shouldn't miss
He'll always shlep on down for a wedding or a briss
They say he's got a lot of chutzpah, he's really quite hhip
The parents pay the moyl and he gets to keep the tip

(How ya doin Bernie) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin Bernie) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin Bernie) Oy vey, oy vey

Meccha leccha hi, meccha meccha cholly ho

He's doin well, I gotta kvell
The yentas love him, even shicksas think he's swell
Show up at his home, he says shalom
And have some cake, you want some cake
Yah, he calls the shots, we really love him lots
Oy gevalt, I'm so ferklempt that I could plotz
So grab your yarmulka
The one you got for Chanukah
Let's put on our yarmulkas and
Hey, hey, do that Hebrew thing

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04 THE WEIRD AL SHOW THEME

(1:14)

Oh, this is a story bout a guy named Al
And he lived in a sewer with his hamster pal
But the sanitation workers really didn't approve
So he packed up his accordion and had to move
To a city in Ohio where he lived in a tree
And he worked in a nasal decongestant factory
And he played on the company bowling team
And every single night he had a strange recurring dream
Where he was wearing lederhosen in a vat of sour cream
But that's really not important to the story

Well, the very next year he met a dental hygienist
With a spatula tatooed on her arm (on her arm)
But he didn't keep in touch and he lost her number
Then he got himself a job on a tator tot farm
And he spent his life savings on a spli -level cave
Twenty miles below the surface of the Earth (of the Earth)
And he really makes a might fine jelly bean and pickle sandwich
For what it's worth

Then one day Al was in the forest trying to get a tan
When he heard the tortured screaming of a funny little man
He was caught in a bear trap and Al set him free
And the guy that he rescued was grateful as could be
And it turns out he's a big-shot producer on TV
So he gives Al a contract and what do you know
Now he's got his very own Weird Al show

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05 JERRY SPRINGER

(2:46)

Parody of "One Week" by Barenaked Ladies



It's been one week since we got to see
Cheatin lovers and cousins that marry
Five days since they had the show
With the hermaphrodite, the slut, and the crack ho
Three days since we heard the tale
About the guy who learned his woman was a she-male
Yesterday it occurred to me
That I've been watchin a bit too much Jerry Springer

Holy cow, did you see it last week
Well, they had this one freak who suckerpunched his whole family
Do you recall when the brawl became a total free for all
And Jerry's in the middle tryin to be the referee
Hey, see the stripper with the implants, she likes to lap dance
And date the boyfriend of her mother
Now here come's Jerry's next guest, and it's a slugfest
Cause it's her trailer trash brother
Nymphomaniac is back on crack, it's like "When Animals Attack"
They all exhibit reprehensible behavior
Hit 'em in the nose, tear off their clothes, step on their toes, that's how it goes
They get so violent they have to sign a waiver

They're always swearin, cursin, kickin butt, and pointin blame
On the air they don't care, they've got no shame
There was one guy who I'm sure felt a little strange
When he found out that his wife had a sex change
They have a tendency to scream and yell constantly
They have a history of ripping off their shirts

It's been one week since they had the fight
With the Siamese twins and the transvestite
Five days since that awful brawl
They still haven't got the blood off the wall
It's been three days since the bitter feud
Between the KKK and that gay Jewish black dude
Yesterday, finally dawned on me
I'm spendin way too much time on that Jerry Springer

Baby, I've been sleepin with your sister
Oh? Well, which one
All of them
Oh! Well, I've been sleepin with your best friend Jake
Yeah? Well, well me too
And I've sleepin with your dog Woofie
Woofie, you bitch
Well, I'm also sleepin with your pet goat
That goat doesn't love you

Once you start watchin, there's just no stoppin
Your brain shuts down, then your IQ's droppin
Jerry's the king of confrontation, he's a sensation
He puts the 'sin' in syndication
It's totally worthless, like a bad check, it's like a train wreck
Don't wanna stare but you can't look away
Like Sally Jesse he does talk shows but with more weirdos
The ratings jumping higher everyday
If you've seen the show, well then you know it's just as low as you can go
The guests are tacky and they're lacking in their hygiene
And pretty soon some ugly goon comes in the room
And then it's boom in the face of some unsuspecting drag queen

Well it's the kind of show where people scream obscenities
Yankin hair, throwin chairs at their hubbies
Jerry, Jerry, now the crowd starts their favorite chant
Should I turn off my TV, I just can't
I have a tendency to watch it religiously
I have a history of taping each one

It's been one week since the show about
Psycho killers with problems they should work out
Five days since the big surprise when some loser's wife said she's still dating twenty guys
Three days since he interviewed a bunch of psychic porn star midgets who were all nude
Yesterday, it occurred to me
That I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer
Tired of wastin my time on that Jerry Springer
I've got way too much class to watch Jerry Springer
Come over here and pull on my finger

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06 GERMS

(4:38)

Sometimes I really want to be alone
But that's one state I'm never in
Because I know that I've got millions upon millions
Of tiny, one celled organisms living on my skin

(Germs) I rub and scrub until my flesh is raw and bleeding
(Germs) But they just come right back again
(Germs) Can't even see em, but I know they're up to something
Hey, don't touch that, you don't know where it's been

They're all over me
They're inside of me
Can't get em off of me
I'm covered with (microscopic bacteria)
What do they want from me
What'll they do to me
There's no escape for me
I'm crawling with (microscopic bacteria)

Now if I ever dare to go to sleep
That's when they start their sneak attack
In the morning I wake up in utter horror
To find my teeth are covered with bacterial plaque

(Germs) Can't get those parasitic creatures off my face
(Germs) And there's more comin every day
(Germs) I never said that they could camp out on my body
I wish they'd pack their tiny little bags and move away

They're all over me
They're inside of me
Can't get em off of
I'm covered with (microscopic bacteria)
What do they want from me
What'll they do to me
There's no escape for me
I'm crawling with (microscopic bacteria)

Germs
Germs
Germs
Germs

(Germs) They're creepin around my shorts
They're under the bathroom sink
(Germs) They're ridin inside my car
They're swimmin in every drink
(Germs) They're hidin between my toes
They're lurkin in every kiss
(Germs) I got em way up my nose
In every orafice

(Germs) I'm gonna show them who's boss
I'm gonna get even yet
(Germs) Just gimme some Lysol spray
Just hand me a moist towelette
(Germs) Don't tell me I'm paranoid
I know that they're after me
(Germs) Look under the microscope
See

They're all over me
They're inside of me
Can't get em off of
I'm covered with (microscopic bacteria)
What do they want from me
What'll they do to me
There's no escape for me
I'm crawling with (microscopic bacteria)

(Germs) They're all over me
(Germs) I can feel em all over me
(Germs) Over every part of me
(Germs) (Microscopic bacteria)

(Germs) I know they're watching me
(Germs) They're always watching me
(Germs) They're coming after me
(Germs) (Microscopic bacteria)

Won't somebody help me
Please somebody help me
You've got to believe me
They're out to get me

They want to control me
They want to destroy me
They're tryin to kill me
It kind of upsets me

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07 POLKA POWER

(4:21)

Yeah, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want
So tell us what you want, what you really really want
I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want
So tell us what you want, what you really really want
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna
I wanna really really really wanna zigga zigga ah
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends (gotta get with my friends)
Make it last forever, friendship never ends
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give (you've got to give)
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is, hey

I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And I'm so hot, cause I'm in hell
I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And it's a sin (yes it's a sin) to live so well

Ghetto superstar, that is what you are
Coming from afar, reaching for the stars
Run away with me, to another place
We can rely on each other, uh huh
From one corner to another, uh huh

Everybody (yeah)
Rock your body (yeah)
Everybody rock your body right
Backstreet's back, all right
All right

So don't delay, act now, supplies are running out
But now if you're still alive, six to eight years to arrive
And if you follow there may be a tomorrow
But if the offer's shun
You might as well be walking on the sun
Might as well be walking on the sun

Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic
Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic
Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic

I get knocked down, but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down

Quicker than a ray of light
Quicker than a ray of light
Quicker than a ray of light

I wanna push you around (well I will, well I will)
I wanna push you down (well I will, well I will)
I wanna take you for granted
I wanna take you for granted
Yeah, yeah, well I will

I want something else
To get me through this semi-charmed kinda life, baby baby
I want something else
I'm not listening when you say good bye

There's lots of pretty, pretty ones
That want to get you high
But all the pretty, pretty ones
Will leave you low and blow your mind
We're all stars now in the dope show
We're all stars now in the dope show

Mmmbop, do floppa do wop
Do be dop ah
Do wap, do zap ah, do
Yeah-ee yeah
Mmmbop, do b'zap ah, do wop
Do be dop ah
Do wop, doom zap ah, do

I smell sex and candy here
Who's that lounging in my chair
Who's that casting devious stares in my direction
Mama, this surely is a dream
Yeah, yeah mama, this surely is a dream
Dig it, yeah mama, this surely is

Closing time
One last call for alcohol
So finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time
You don't have to go home
But you can't stay here

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take us home

Cause it's closing time
Yeah it's closing time
We're talkin bout closin time
It's really closin time, hey

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08 YOUR HOROSCOPE FOR TODAY

(3:58)

Aquarius - there's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day
Pisces - try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say
Aries - the look on your face will be priceless when you find that 40lb watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
Taurus - you will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

Gemini - your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancee hurls a javelin through your chest
Cancer - the position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test
Leo - now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik
Virgo - all Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
That the relative position of the planets and the stars
Could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you
But let me give you my assurance that these forcasts and predictions
Are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence
So you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true
Where was I

Libra - a big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week
Scorpio - get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self esteem, you stupid freak
Sagittarius - all your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den
Capricorn - the stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)
That's your horoscope for today

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09 IT'S ALL ABOUT THE PENTIUMS

(0:00)

Parody of "It's All About The Benjamins (Rock Remix)" by Puff Daddy



It's all about the Pentiums, baby

It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
Yeah

Whatcha wanna do
Wanna be hackers, code crackers, slackers
Wastin time with all the chatroom yakkers
Nine to five chillin at Hewlett Packard

Workin at a desk with a dumb little placard
Yeah, payin the bills with my mad programming skills
Defraggin my hard drive for thrills
I got me a hundred gigabytes of RAM
I never feed trolls and I don't read spam
Installed a T1 line in my house
Always at my PC, double-clickin on my mizouse
Upgrade my system at least twice a day
I'm strictly plug and play, I ain't afraid of Y2K
I'm down with Bill Gates, I call him money for short
I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech support
It's all about the Pentiums, what

You've gotta be the dumbest newbie I've ever seen
You've got white out all over your screen
You think your Commodore 64 is really neato
What kinda chip you got in there, a Dorito
You're usin a 286? Don't make me laugh
Your Windows boots up in what, a day and a half
You could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette
You're the biggest joke on the Internet

Your database is a disaster
You're waxin your modem, tryin to make it go faster
Hey fella, I bet you're still livin in your parents' cellar
Downloadin pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar
And postin "Me too!" like some brain-dead AOL-er
I should do the world a favor and cap you like Old Yeller
You're just about as useless as jpegs to Hellen Keller

It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)

Now, whatcha wanna do
Wanna be hackers, code crackers, slackers
Wastin time with all the chatroom yakkers
Nine to five chillin at Hewlett Packard

Loggin in now
Wanna run wit my crew, huh
Rule cyberspace and crunch numbers like I do
They call me the king of the spreadsheets
Got em printed out on my bedsheets
My new computer's got the clocks, it rocks
But it was obsolete before I opened the box
You say you've had your desktop for over a week
Throw that junk away, man, it's an antique
Your laptop is a month old, well that's great
If you could use a nice, heavy paperweight

My digital media is write-protected
Every file inspected, no viruses detected
I beta tested every operating system
Gave props to some, and others, I dissed 'em
While your computer's crashin, mine's multitaskin
It does all my work without me even askin
Got a flat screen monitor forty inches wide wide
I believe that your says etch a sketch on the side
In a 32-bit world, you're a 2-bit user
You've got your own newsgroup, alt.total-loser
Your motherboard melts when you try to send a fax
Where'd you get your CPU, in a box of Cracker Jacks
Play me online, well, you know that I'll beat you
If I ever meet you I'll control-alt-delete you
What? What? What? What? What?

It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)

Now, whatcha wanna do
Wanna be hackers, code crackers, slackers
Wastin time with all the chatroom yakkers
Nine to five chillin at Hewlett Packard, what?

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10 TRUCK DRIVIN SONG

(3:58)

I'm drivin a truck
Drivin a big ol truck
Pedal to the metal, hope I don't run out of luck
Rollin down the highway until the break of dawn
Drivin a truck with my high heels on

My diesel rig is northward bound
It's time to put that hammer down
Just watchin as the miles go flyin by
I'm ridin twenty tons of steel
But it's sure hard to hold the wheel
While I'm still waiting for my nails to dry

Oh, I always gotta check my lipstick in that rear view mirror
And my pink angora sweater fits so tight
I'm jammin gears and haulin freight
Well, I sure hope my seams are straight
Lord, don't let my mascara run tonight

Because I'm drivin a truck
Drivin' a big ol truck
Smokey's on my tail and my accelerator's stuck
Got these eighteen wheels a-rollin until the break of dawn
Drivin a truck with my high heels on

Oh, I don't mind when my crotchless panties creep right up on me
And my nipple rings don't bother me too much
But when I hit those big speed bumps
My darling little rhinestone pumps
Keep slippin off the mother lovin clutch

But still I'm drivin a truck
Drivin a big ol truck
Headin down the interstate, just tryin to make a buck
Wearin feather boas with sequins and chiffon
While I'm drivin a truck with my high heels on

I'm drivin a truck, drivin a truck
Got a load to carry and some eyebrows left to pluck
And I'm late for my appointment down at my hair salon
So I'll be drivin a truck with my high heels on (my high heels on)

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11 GRAPEFRUIT DIET

(3:30)

Parody of "Zoot Suit Riot" by Cherry Poppin' Daddies



Who's that waddlin down the street
It's just me cause I love to eat
Fudge and Twinkies and deviled ham
Who's real flabby, yes, I am
Every picture of me's
Gotta be an aerial view
Now my doctor tells me
There's just one thing left to do

Grapefruit Diet (Diet)
Throw out the pizza and beer
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Oh, get those jelly donuts out of here

Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Might seem a little severe
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
I'm gettin tired of my big fat rear
Blow, fatty!

Well, I used to live on chocolate sauce
Made sumo wrestlers look like Kate Moss
Walked down an alley and I got stuck
I got more rolls than a pastry truck

When I'm all done eating
I eat a little more
When I leave a room
First I gotta grease the door

Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Can't have another eclair
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
I gotta decrease my derriere

I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet

No more pie now
No more creme brulee
Lay off the gravy
And souffle
No french fries now
No ice cream parfait
Mr. Cheese Nacho
Stay away

Oh I think I'd sell my soul
For a triple patty melt
But I need a boomerang
When I put on my belt

Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Lay off the 3 Musketeers
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Until my big booty disappears

Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Eat em till they're comin out of my ears
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Cause I haven't seen my feet in years

I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet

I think I'm about ready for a Quarter Pounder with extra cheese
I need a side order of onion rings
And don't forget to Super-Size that yeah

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12 ALBUQUERQUE

(11:22)

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy
living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement
Of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop
You know the place

Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy
Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
My mother would make me a big old bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

Big bowl of sauerkraut
Every single mornin
It was driving me crazy

I said to my mom, I said
Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut
And my dear sweet mother
She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train
And she leaned right down next to me
And she said its good for you
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was 26 and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday...
Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place
Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
And the towels are oh so fluffy
Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doo doo yeah

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true
Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt
I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
That's right, a first class one way ticket to

Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Oh yeah
You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women
With excruciatingly severe body odor
And the little kid in back of me kept throwin up the whole time
The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
And the in flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
And oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
Except for me
You know why

Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position

So I crawled from the twisted, burning wreckage
I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
Draggin along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
And my tenor saxophone and my twelve pound bowling ball
And my lucky, lucky autographed glow in the dark snorkel
But finally I arived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
Where the towels are oh so fluffy
And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
It's OK, they're clean

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C
And I turned on the SpectraVision
And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
That I love so very, very much
When suddenly, there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be
I say who is it?
No answer
Who is it
There's no answer
Who is it
They're not sayin anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a flock of seagulls haircut and only one nostril
Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
And I'm like hey, you can't have that
That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me
And he's like tough
And I'm like give it
And he's like make me
And I'm like 'kay
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Yes indeed, you better believe it

And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
And twenty seconds later, I heard a farmiliar voice
And you know what it said
I'll tell you what it said
It said

If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator
If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator

In Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Well to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel
But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
I would not sleep for an instant until the one nostrilled man was brought to justice
But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says yeah, what do ya want
I said you got any glazed donuts
He said no, we're outta glazed donuts
I said well, you got any jelly donuts
He said no, we're outta jelly donuts
I said you got any Bavarian cream filled donuts
He said no, we're outta Bavarian cream filled donuts
I said you got any cinnamon rolls
He said no, we're outta cinnamon rolls
I said you got any apple fritters
He said no, we're outta apple fritters
I said you got any bear claws
He said wait a minute, I'll go check

No, we're outta bear claws

I said well, in that case
In that case, what do you have
He says all I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels
I said OK, I'll take that

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin me all over
Oh man, they were just going nuts
They were tearin me apart
You know, I think it was just about that time
That a little ditty started goin through my head
I believe it went a little something like this

I ran out into the street with these flesh eating weasels all over my face
Wavin my arms all around and just runnin, runnin, runnin
Like a constipated weiner dog
And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
Her name was Zelda
She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
I'll never forget the first thing she said to me
She said hey, you've got weasels on your face

That's when I knew it was true love
We were inseperable after that
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
The world was our burrito
So we got married and we bought us a house
And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me
She said Sweetie pumpkin, do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club
I said woah, hold on now, baby
I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment
So we broke up and I never saw her again
But that's just the way things go in

Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Anyway, things really started lookin up for me
Because about a week later, I finally achieved my life long dream
That's right, I got me a part time job at The Sizzler
I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
I was gettin a lot of attitude

OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot
Tryin to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
When I see this guy Marty tryin to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself
So I, I say to him, I say hey, you want me to help you with that
And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me
He's like hey man, I was just being sarcastic
Well, that's just great
How was I supposed to know that
I'm not a mind reader for cryin out loud
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso Boy
So what's he complaining about

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This guy comes up to me on the street and he tells me
He hasn't had a bite in three days
Well, I knew what he meant
But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
And he's yellin and screamin and bleeding all over
And I'm like hey, come on, don'tcha get it
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding and screaming
You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know

Anyway, um, um, where was I
Kinda lost my train of thought
Uh, well, uh, OK
Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
But I guess the whole point I'm tryin to make here is

I hate sauerkraut

That's all I'm really tryin to say
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
And find yourself in an existential quandry
Full of loathing and self doubt
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
Somewhere out there in this crazy old mixed up universe of ours
There's still a little place called

Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Albuquerque (Albuquerque)
Albuquerque (Albuquerque)
Albuquerque (Albuquerque)
Albuquerque (Albuquerque)

I said
A (A)
L (L)
B (B)
U (U)
Querque (Querque)

Albuquerque (Albuquerque), Albuquerque (Albuquerque)
Albuquerque (Albuquerque), Albuquerque (Albuquerque)
Albuquerque (Albuquerque), Albuquerque (Albuquerque)
Albuquerque (Albuquerque), Albuquerque (Albuquerque)

Albuquerque

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