01 AMISH PARADISE

(3:20)

Parody of "Gangsta's Paradise" by Coolio

As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain
I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain
But that's just perfect for an Amish like me
You know, I shun fancy things like electricity
At 4:30 in the morning I'm milkin cows
Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows, fool
And I've been milkin and plowin so long that
Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone
I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline
Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin
But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine
Then tonight we're gonna party like it's 1699

We been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
I've churned butter once or twice
Living in an Amish paradise
It's hard work and sacrifice
Living in an Amish paradise
We sell quilts at discount price
Living in an Amish paradise

A local boy kicked me in the butt last week
I just smiled at him and turned the other cheek
I really don't care, in fact I wish him well
Cause I'll be laughing my head off when he's burning in hell
But I ain't never punched a tourist even if he deserved it
An Amish with a 'tude, you know that's unheard of
I never wear buttons but I got a cool hat
And my homies all I agree I look good in black, fool
If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears
We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years
But we ain't really quaint, so please don't point and stare
We're just technologically impaired

There's no phone, no lights, no motorcar
Not a single luxury
Like Robinson Caruso
It's as primitive as can be

We been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
We're just plain and simple guys
Living in an Amish paradise
There's no time for sin and vice
Living in an Amish paradise
We don't fight, we all play nice
Living in an Amish paradise

Hitchin up the buggy, churnin lots of butter
Raised a barn on Monday, soon I'll raise another
Think you're really righteous, think you're pure in heart
Well, I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art
I'm the pious guy the little Amlettes wanna be like
On my knees day and night scorin points for the afterlife
So don't be vain and don't be whiny
Or else, my brother, I might just have to get medieval on your heinie

We been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
We're all crazy Mennonites
Living in an Amish paradise
There's no cops or traffic lights
Living in an Amish paradise
But you'd probably think it bites
Living in an Amish paradise

Yuck

02 EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG

(3:47)

I was driving on the freeway in the fast lane
With a rabid wolverine in my underwear
When suddenly a guy behind me in the back seat
Popped right up and cupped his hands across my eyes

I guessed, is it Uncle Frank or Cousin Louie
Is it Bob or Joe or Walter
Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Steve
I probably would have kept on guessing
But about that time we crashed into the truck

And as I'm laying bleeding there on the asphalt
Finally I recognize the face of my hibachi dealer
Who takes off his prosthetic lips and tells me

Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so important 
Doesn't matter

Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong

I was walkin to the kitchen for some Golden Grahams
When I accidentally stepped into an alternate dimension
And soon I was abducted by some aliens from space
Who kinda looked like Jamie Farr

They sucked out my internal organs
And they took some Polaroids
And said I was a darn good sport
And as a way of saying thank you
They offered to transport me back to
Any point in history that I would care to go

And so I had them send me back to last Thursday night
So I could pay my phone bill on time
Just then the floating disembodied head of Colonel Sanders started yelling

Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so important 
Doesn't matter

Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong

I was just about to mail a letter to my evil twin
When I got a nasty papercut
And, well, to make a long story short
It got infected and I died

So now I'm up in heaven with St. Peter
By the pearly gates
And it's obvious he doesn't like the Nehru jacket that I'm wearing
He tells me that they've got a dress code

Well, he lets me into heaven anyway
But I get the room next to the noisy ice machine
For all eternity
And every day he runs by screaming

Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you used to think was so important
Doesn't really matter anymore
Because the simple fact remains that

Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong
Everything you know is wrong

03 CAVITY SEARCH

(4:19)

Parody of "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me" by U2

Listenin to the Muzak, hearin people scream
Sittin in the waiting room readin crappy magazines
With a toothache, this is it, pal
Root Canal

My molars are impacted, I'm gettin gum disease
I'm gonna need some fillings, got twelve cavities
Can you help me, have mercy
Doctor, please

My teeth are a fright
Got a huge overbite
Numb me, drill me
Floss me, bill me

You jab at my nerve endings, it's driving me insane
Just give me nitrous oxide, shoot me up with novocaine
Help me out here cause I'm in severe pain

Please stop for a bit
Now let me rinse and spit
Numb me, drill me
Floss me, bill me

You validate my parking, I think that I'm okay
But you make one more appointment 
For a week from Saturday
Cause you came upon a little problem on my x-ray
Oy vey

I'm getting absurd
Well, I hope I'm insured now
Numb me, drill me
Floss me, bill me

04 CALLIN IN SICK

(3:40)

Hit my snooze alarm for the twenty seventh time
Just don't feel like goin to work
I think I'll call my boss
Then I'm gonna hack and cough and wheeze
Swear I got some strange disease
What's that little twerp gonna say
Hey

I'm callin in sick today
Callin in sick today

I could shine my pennies or clean my lava lamp
I could spend all day in my underwear 
Watching Ernest Goes To Camp
I could sit and count my hair
I could burp my Tupperware
I'm not busy now anyway
Hey

I'm callin in sick today
Callin in sick today
Ain't goin to work, no way
Callin in sick today

I can do anything I want to
I am invincible now
I'm on fire, baby
I'm alive, I'm alive
Can you hear me, world, I'm alive

Maybe I'll spend all day staring at the sun
And trying not to squint
Maybe I'll make a huge color tapestry 
From my belly button lint
When I'm sick of takin abuse
I just make up some lame excuse
Freedom's just seven digits away
Hey

I'm callin in sick today
Callin in sick today
Ain't gonna work, no way
Callin in sick today

05 ALTERNATIVE POLKA

(4:50)

Soy un perdidor
I'm a loser, baby
So why don't you kill me (everybody)
Soy un perdidor
I'm a loser, baby
So why don't you kill me

Hey

I am, I am, I am
I said I wanna get next to you
I said I'm gonna get close to you
You wouldn't want me have to hurt you, too
Hurt you, too

I know you want what's on my mind
I know you like what's on my mind
I know it eats you up inside
I know you know, you know, you know

Here I come, I come, I come, I come
Here I come, I come, I come

Cause all I wanna do is have some fun
I got a feelin I'm not the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
I got a feelin I'm not the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard

Help me, I broke apart my insides
Help me, I've got no soul to sell
Help me, the only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself

I wanna you like an animal
I wanna feel you from the inside
I wanna you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God

Hey, hey, hey

You bang, bang, bang, bang, bang
Blame, blame, blame
You bang, bang, bang, bang, bang
It's not my thing so let it go

Cause the love that you gave that we made 
Wasn't able to make it enough for you 
To be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me
You'd hold me until you died, til you died
Well you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You oughta know

Hey

Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage
And someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage

I love all of you
Hurt by the cold
So hard and lonely, too
When you don't know yourself 
I don't owe you anything
I don't owe you anything
I don't owe you anything
I don't owe you anything

Black hole sun
Won't you come
And wash away the rain
Black hole sun
Won't you come, won't you come

Black hole sun, black hole sun
Won't you come
Black hole sun, black hole sun
Won't you come
Black hole sun, black hole sun

Do you have the time to listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once
I am one of those melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone, no doubt about it

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up, I think I'm cracking up
And am I just paranoid or am I just stoned
Or am I just stoned

Hey

06 SINCE YOU've BEEN GONE

(1:22)

Since you've been gone
Well, I feel like I've been chewing on tin foil
Since you've been gone
It's like I got a great big mouthful of cod liver oil
Well, I'm feelin like I stuck my hand
Inside a blender and turned it on
You know, I've been in a buttload of pain
Since you've been gone

I couldn't feel any worse if you dropped
A two-ton bowling ball on my toes
It couldn't hurt any more if you shoved
A red-hot cactus up my nose

Since you've been gone
Well, it feels like I'm getting tetanus shots every day
Since you've been gone
It's like I've got an ice cream headache that won't go away
Ever since the day you left me
I've been so miserable, my dear
I feel almost as bad as I did
When you were still here

07 GUMP

(2:10)

Parody of "Lump" by Presidents Of The United States Of America

Gump sat alone on a bench in the park
My name is Forrest, he'd casually remark
Waitin for the bus with his hands in his pockets
He just kept sayin life is like a box of chocolates

He's Gump, he's Gump
What's in his head
He's Gump, he's Gump, he's Gump
Is he inbred

Gump was a big celebrity
He told JFK that he really had to pee
He never feels too dumb because
His mom always told him stupid is as stupid does

He's Gump, he's Gump
He's kinda square
He's Gump, he's Gump, he's Gump
What's with that hair

Run... run... run, run, now Forrest
Run... run... run like the wind now
Run... run... run, run, now Forrest
Run... stop

His buddy Bubba was a shrimp lovin man
His friend with no legs he called Lieutenant Dan
His girlfriend Jenny was kind of a slut
He went to the White House, showed LBJ his butt

He's Gump, he's Gump
He's not too bright
He's Gump, he's Gump, he's Gump
But he's alright

Is this Gump out of his head
I think so
Is this Gump really brain dead
I think so
Did this Gump make lots of bread
I think so

And that's all I have to say about that

08 I'M SO SICK OF YOU

(3:26)

You tell a joke and forget the punchline
Why you always wastin my time
Hey baby trust me, you just disgust me
You hair's a mess and your makeup's crusty
I don't know too many females
Who make a habit of biting their toenails
Every time you call, you drive me up the wall
Honey, just the sight of you makes my flesh crawl
I'm sure we'd be happy together
If onle one thing weren't true
Oh baby, I'm so sick of you

You drink the milk right from the carton
What, are you in kindergarten
You're belchin everywhere, foulin up the air
Then you use my razor to shave your back hair
You don't have an ounce of class
You're just one big pain in the neck
How much more can I take now, give me a break now
You even snore when you're wide awake now
You tell all your friends we're the perfect couple
Well, maybe you should get a clue
Cause baby, I'm so sick of you
Baby, you're so nauseatin
I'm so sick of you

And when you softly call my name
It's like listenin to a squeaky chalk sound
And when you look at me that special way
It's hard for me to keep my lunch down
And when you askin me what I'm thinkin, honey
Usually I'm thinkin how
I'd really like to tie your head completely up in duct tape
So I wouldn't have to listen to you 
Asking me those stupid questions
Over and over again

Well, that disgusting noise you make when you laugh
Gives me a throbbing migraine
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you)
Until you came along 
I never dated anyone this low on the food chain
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you)
You've got inhuman body odor
You've got the hair of a boxing promoter
Yeah, your teeth are all yellow, your butt's made of Jello
You woke up in a puddle, droolin on your pillow
I hate the way you crack your knuckles
I hate your whiny loser girlfriends too
But mostly I'm so sick of you
Really now, you're aggrivatin
I'm so sick of you
Not to mention irritatin
I'm so sick of you
Well, now won't you give my best regards to Satan
I'm so sick of you

I'm so sick of you
I'm so sick of you
I'm so sick of you
You make me sick

(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now

09 SYNDICATED INC

(3:54)

Parody of "Misery" by Soul Asylum

My whole family loves Three's Company
See the reruns constantly there on my TV

Syndicated Incorporated

Well, I know what's on the tube
I know just what to see
Got my TV Guide with me

MASH and All In The Family
The Munsters and Mayberry RFD
I will always be busy
Watching my TV

Oprah Winfrey talks to me every day at three
Then soon it'll be Wheel and Jeopardy

Syndicated Incorporated
Syndicated Incorporated

Well, I'm in such ecstacy
When I'm watchin TV
I'm a boob tube devotee

Think I'm losin my sanity
I'm addicted to Regis & Kathy Lee
Forever I will always be
Glued to my TV

Love The Partridge Family
And Dynasty
And Laverne & Shirley
And Hard Copy

Syndicated Incorporated
Syndicated Incorporated

Syndicated Incorporated
(MASH and All In The Family) (I know just what to see)
Syndicated Incorporated
(I'm addicted to Regis & Kathy Lee) (I know what's on the tube)
Syndicated Incorporated
(Forever I will always be) (I know just what to see)
Syndicated Incorporated
(Watching my TV) (I know what's on the tube)
Syndicated Incorporated
(Think I'm losin' my sanity) (I know just what to see)
Syndicated Incorporated

10 I REMEMBER LARRY

(3:55)

Say, do you remember that guy Larry next door
Well, he always was the neighborhood clown
Like the time he pulled my pants off and he took those color pictures
And posted copies all over town
Or the time that he dumped toxic waste on my lawn
Or those wacky prank phone calls from midnight till dawn
What a crazy kid Larry was, always foolin around

Boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try

Say, do you remember when I lost all my hair
Cause Lar gave me that Nair shampoo
And hey, how bout the day he put Ben Gay inside my jockstrap
And filled my toothpaste tube up with glue
All those wedgies he gave, all those shoestrings he tied
All those brownies he made with the Ex Lax inside
Oh Lar, I swear, it was a laugh a minute with you

Boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try

You know I couldn't help but laugh
Even though he treated me like slime
Remember when he cut my car in half
Well, he really got me good that time

Say, do you remember when I broke in Larry's house
Late at night and tied his mouth with a rag
Then I dragged him by his ankles to the middle of the forest
And stuffed him in a big plastic bag
If the cops ever find him, who knows what they'd say
But I'm sure if ol Lar were still with us today
He would have to agree with me it was a pretty good gag

Oh boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
Oh boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
No matter how I try

Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry

11 PHONY CALLS

(3:22)

Parody of "Waterfalls" by TLC

Mom and dad are goin out for the evening
And you're stuck inside the house all alone
That's when you decide it might be fun to harrass someone
Dial a random number up on your telephone
You ask if their refrigerator is running
Then you tell em they should go out and catch it
Buddy, if they ever figured out where you were callin em from
They'd come and bust your head right in with a ratchet
Listen to me

Don't go makin phony calls
Please stick to the seven digit numbers you're used to
I know that you think it's funny drivin folks right up the wall
But it's really gettin old fast

Little Melvin has a natural obsession
Askin for Prince Albert in a can
He gets a kick each time he makes a collect call
To some guy he doesn't know who lives in Japan
He's callin strangers up at three in the morning
Gives em pizza pie delivery at four
He won't be laughin when they're tracin his line
One day the phone police will be there at his door
Yo, hear me

Don't go makin phony calls
Only dial the seven digit numbers you're used to
Swear someday I'm gonna yank that phone cord right out from the wall
How long is this phase gonna last
Come on

[Moe's Taverne - Where the elite meet to drink]
[Uh, yeah, hello, is Mike there? Last name Rotch]
[Hold on, I'll check]
[Mike Rotch, Mike Rotch, hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately]
[Listen to me, you little puke, one of these days, I'm gonna catch you]
[And I'm gonna carve my name on your back with an icepick]

Don't go makin phony calls
Please stick to the seven digit numbers you're used to
You went through the New York City phone book and prank called em all
Hope that you grow out of this fast
Grow out of this fast

Don't go makin phony calls
Only dial the seven digit numbers you're used to
Bet you think it's funny drivin folks right up the wall
But it's really gettin old fast

12 THE NIGHT SANTA WENT CRAZY

(4:01)

Down in the workshop all the elves were makin toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled yule tide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye
Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die

The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain

Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said it tastes just like chicken

The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin in reindeer guts

There's the National Guard and the FBI
There's a van from the eye witness news
And helicopters circlin round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin, the body count's risin
And everyone's dyin to know, oh Santa why
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy

Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doin time
In a federal prison for his infamous crime
Hey little friend now, don't you cry no more tears
He'll be out with good behavior in 700 more years
But now Vixen's in therapy and Donner's still nervous
And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service
And they say Mrs. Claus, she's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights

They're talkin bout
The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin gypped

The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Tell ya, something finally must have snapped in his brain

12 THE NIGHT SANTA WENT CRAZY (EXTRA GORY VERSION)

(4:01)

Colored text indicates changes from normal version of song.

Down in the workshop all the elves were makin toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled yule tide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye
Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die

The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain

Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said it tastes just like chicken

The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin in reindeer guts

There's the National Guard and the FBI
There's a van from the eye witness news
And helicopters circlin round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin, the body count's risin
And everyone's dyin to know, oh Santa why
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy

Yes, Virginia, now Santa Claus is dead
Some guy from the SWAT team blew a hole through his head
Yes little friend now, that's his brains on the floor
Guess you won't have the fat guy to kick around anymore
Well now there's no more presents for the children's enjoyment
And the elves gotta stand in line to file for unemployment
And they say Mrs. Claus, she's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights

They're talkin bout
The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin gypped

The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Tell ya, something finally must have snapped in his brain