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Last Update: 8/23/2018 0909



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1. Handy (2:56)
2. Lame Claim To Fame (3:45)
3. Foil (2:23)
4. Sports Song (2:15)
5. Word Crimes (3:43)
6. My Own Eyes (3:41)
7. Now That's What I Call Polka! (4:06)
8. Mission Statement (4:29)
9. Inactive (2:56)
10. First World Problems (3:14)
11. Tacky (2:53)
12. Jackson Park Express (9:05)

01 HANDY

(2:56)

This is a parody of "Fancy" by Iggy Azalea.



First thing's first I'm a craftsman Craftsman
Remodeling is my only passion It's my passion
And I'm the greatest in the business
Want referrals? Yo, my clientele will bear you witness Right right
I can help when your door jamb sticks Huh
There is nothing in the world I can't fix Yeah
I do tiles, I do stone, I do bricks
Call me, I'll come rushing over with my bag of tricks Bag of tricks
Where you go when your disposal is rusted Rusted
Termite problem makin' you disgusted Yuck
When your front window is busted
Just one name that's always trusted

I'm so handy
You already know
I'll fix your plumbing when your toilets overflow
I'm so handy
Bring you up to code
When your dishwasher's 'bout to 'splode

Now you say that your furnace is needing some service
I'm fully bonded, no need to be nervous
Perhaps you would like a new counter, formica
Maybe I'll hook up this here combo washer dryer
But all your pipes are antique, your water pressure's too weak
You've got an attic full of dry rot cause your roof's sprung a leak
Your fridge is starting to reek, your hardwood floors really squeak
But don't you worry, I'll just show you my amazing technique
Now let me glue that, glue that, and screw that, screw that
Any random chore you've got, well, I can do that, do that
Or maybe I'll just rewire your house for fun
I got 99 problems but a switch ain't one

I'm so handy
Everyone says so
I'll grout your bathroom, resurface your patio
I'm so handy
I'm the guy to know
When your leaf blower doesn't blow

Patch the drywall, clean your gutters and mow the lawn
Make that phone call, I'll install anything you want
Yeah, check my big staple gun
My socket wrenches are second to none
I won't quit till I'm done
Don't even care if I hammer my thumb, ow!

Still rockin' my screwdriver
Got the whole world thinkin' I'm MacGuyver
Your heating bills are shocking
I could solve that with some duct tape and some caulking
Your house is a disaster, huh
Need a guy who's a master with the plaster, huh
Let me be your stripper
Taking off lacquer, No one does it quicker

I'm so handy
You already know
I'll beat all price quotes, my hourly rates are low
I'm so handy
You should call this pro
I'm in the phone book, and se habla español

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02 LAME CLAIM TO FAME

(3:45)

This is a style parody of Southern Culture On The Skids.



One time I was in the checkout line behind Steven Seagal
Once I'm pretty sure Mr. Jonah Hill was in the very next bathroom stall
My best friend's brother
Well, he was an extra in Wayne's World 2
My neighbor's babysitter dated three of the guys in Motley Crüe
I swear Jack Nicholson looked right at me at a Laker's game
I got a lame, lame claim to fame
Owooo-wee! Check it out

I bought a second-hand toaster from a guy who says he knows Brad Pitt
I got me an e-mail from the Prince of Nigeria
Well, he sure sounded legit
My sister used to take piano lessons from the second cousin of Ralph Nader
Last year I threw up in an elevator next to Christian Slater
Well guess what? My birthday and Kim Kardashian's are exactly the same
I got a lame, lame claim to fame
A really lame, lame claim to fame

Once at a party, my dentist accidentally sneezed on Russell Crowe
I posted "FIRST!" in the comments on a YouTube video
I tried to sit by Steve Buscemi, but he told me "This seat's taken."
I know a guy who knows a guy ho knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy
Who knows Kevin Bacon
Owooo-wee!

I had a car that used to belong to Cuba Gooding Jr.'s uncle
Friend of mine in high school had jury duty with Art Garfunkel
One time I was staying in the same hotel as Zooey Deschanel
I used the same napkin dispenser as Steve Carell
At a Taco Bell
Well, I don't mean to brag but Paul Giamatti's plumber knows me by name
I got a lame, lame claim to fame
A really lame, lame claim to fame
That's right, I'm talkin lame, lame claim to fame
A really, really, really lame, lame claim to fame
Owooo! Let's get lame, boys

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03 FOIL

(2:23)

This song is a parody of "Royals" by Lorde.



I never seem to finish all my food
I always get a doggie bag from the waiter
So I just keep what's still un-chewed
And I take it home, save it for later

But then I deal with fungal rot, bacterial formation
Microbes, enzymes, mold and oxidation
I don't care
I've got a secret trick up my sleeve
I never bother with baggies, glass jars, Tupperware containers
Plastic cling wrap, really a no-brainer
I just like
To keep all my flavors sealed in tight

With aluminum foil Foil
Never settle for less
That kind of wrap is just the best
To keep your sandwich nice and fresh
Stick it in your cooler Cooler
Eat it when you're ready
Then maybe you'll choose You'll choose, you'll choose, you'll choose
A refreshing herbal tea

Mmm, lovely

Oh, by the way, I've cracked the code
I've figured out these shadow organizations
And the Illuminati know
That they're finally primed for world domination

And soon you've got black helicopters comin' cross the border
Puppet masters for the New World Order
Be aware
There's always someone that's watching you
And still the government won't admit they faked the whole moon landing
Thought control rays, psychotronic scanning
Don't mind that
I'm protected 'cause I made this hat

From aluminum foil Foil
Wear a hat that's foil-lined
In case an alien's inclined
To probe your butt or read your mind
Looks a bit peculiar 'culiar
Seems a little crazy
But someday I'll prove I'll prove, I'll prove, I'll prove
There's a big conspiracy

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04 SPORTS SONG

(2:15)

Your sports team is vastly inferior
That simple fact is plainly obvious to see
We're gonna kick your collective posterior
Of course, you realize we're speaking figuratively
Our stats are thoroughly impressive
Our coach really has the Midas touch
Our players are fast and strong and brave
And your guys, eh, not so much

In fact we've played teams across the nation
And you're the worst one we've come across
Try to assimilate that information
And it just might help you cope with your impending loss
Oh, and if somehow we are still failing
To effectively articulate the points at hand
Allow us now to summarize them in a manner
That your feeble brains can understand

We're great we're great and you suck you suck
We're great we're great and you suck you suck
We're great we're great and you suck you suck
You see, there's us we're great and then there's you you suck

We're really, really great really great
In contrast, you really suck really suck
Okay, full disclosure, we're not that great
But nevertheless, you suck

Your sports team will soon suffer swift defeat
That theory's backed up by empirical evidence
We're gonna grind up your guys into burger meat
Again, of course, we're speaking in the figurative sense
What's the use of even going through the motions
When you know that you're gonna lose anyhow
So why don't you save us all some time
And give up now
You suck

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05 WORD CRIMES

(3:43)

This is a parody of "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke.



Everybody shut up
Everyone listen up
Hey hey hey, hey hey hey, hey hey hey

Check me out
If you can't write in the proper way Lousy writer
If you don't know how to conjugate Hey
Maybe you flunked that class Hey hey hey
And maybe now you find Hey hey hey
That people mock you on Hey hey hey line
Everybody wise up

Okay, now here's the deal, I'll try to educate ya
Gonna familiarize you with the nomenclature
You'll learn the definitions Hey hey hey
Of nouns and prepositions Hey hey hey
Literacy's your mission Hey hey hey

And that's why I think it's a good time
To learn some grammar What
Now, did I stammer, work on that grammar
You should know when
It's less or it's fewer Oh, yeah
Like people who were All right
Never raised in a sewer

I hate these word crimes
Like I could care less
That means you do care, at least a little
Don't be a moron
You'd better slow down and use the right pronoun
Show the world you're no clown Everybody wise up

Say you've got an I-T followed by apostrophe S
Now, what does that mean
You would not use it's in this case as a possessive No no no
It's a contraction yeah, yeah, yeah
What's a contraction
Well it's the shortening of a word or group of words by omission of a sound or letter

Okay, now here are some notes
Syntax you're always mangling
No x in espresso
Your participle's dangling Uh-huh
But I don't want your drama Hey hey hey uh-huh
If you really wanna Hey hey hey uh-huh
Leave out that Oxford comma Hey hey hey uh-huh

Just keep in mind Everybody wise up that be, see, are, you
Are words not letters
Get it together, use your spell checker
You should never Oh no
Write words using numbers
Unless you're seven, or your name is Prince Everybody wise up
I hate these word crimes Hate them crimes
You really need a I hate them crimes
Full-time proofreader I mean those crimes
You dumb mouth-breather
Well, you should hire some cunning linguist
To help you distinguish what is proper English
Everybody wise up

One thing I ask of you
Time to learn your homophones is past due
Learn to diagram a sentence too
Always say to whom, don't ever say to who
And listen up when I tell you this
I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis
You finished second grade, I hope you can tell
If you're doing good or doing well Everybody wise up
Better figure out the difference, irony is not coincidence
And I thought that you'd gotten it through your skull
Bout what's figurative and what's literal
Oh, but just now just now you said you said
You "literally couldn't get out of bed" What
That really makes me wanna literally
Smack a crowbar upside your stupid head
Everybody wise up

I read your e-mail
It's quite apparent
Your grammar's errant
You're incoherent

Saw your blog post Hey hey
It's really fantastic
That was sarcastic... Aw, psych!
Cause you write like a spastic

I hate these word crimes Everybody wise up
Your prose is dopey
Think you should only write in emoji
Oh, you're a lost cause
Go back to preschool, get out of the gene pool
Try your best to not drool

Never mind, I give up
Really now, I give up

Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey
Go away

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06 MY OWN EYES

(3:41)

I saw a baby drive a truck
I saw a junkie eat a tuba
I saw a stripper kiss a duck
Behind a dumpster in Aruba
I saw this fat, psychotic guy
His underwear was made of crickets
He pawned his skeleton to buy
Some old, expired lotto tickets

I saw a naked vagrant
Giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to his cat
I probably could've gone my whole life without seeing that

With my own eyes
I've seen things that'd drive a normal man insane
Wish I could disconnect my brain
From my own eyes

I saw a mime get hacked to death
With an imaginary cleaver
I saw an old man's final breath
I watched him die from Bieber Fever
I saw these diabetic chicks
In an abandoned 7-11
I watched 'em snorting Pixy Stix
While they were belching "Stairway to Heaven"
I saw two drag queens trying to see how many crackers
They could shove up each other's nose
I'd like to erase my mind completely but I suppose
That's just the way it goes

With my own eyes
I've seen things that'd drive a normal man insane
Wish I could disconnect my brain
From my own eyes My own eyes
Those visions haunt my memory
Oh, there's so much I wish I could un-see
With my own eyes

Some priest got drunk and stole a circus zebra
And he trained it to massage his back
My guinea pig committed hara-kiri
So we used him to play hacky sack
My neighbor's kids sold weapons-grade plutonium
And frosty, ice-cold lemonade
They took MasterCard and sometimes human organs in trade
That's how we paid
I have to say that it was really darn good lemonade

With my own eyes
I've seen things that'd drive a normal man insane
Wish I could disconnect my brain
From my own eyes My own eyes
Those visions haunt my memory
Oh, there's so much I wish I could un-see
With my own eyes
With my own eyes
With my own eyes
With my own eyes

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07 NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL POLKA!

(4:06)

We clawed, we chained our hearts in vain
We jumped, never asking why
We kissed, I fell under your spell
A love no one could deny

Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you wreck me

All the other kids with the pumped up kicks
You better run, better run, outrun my gun
All the other kids with the pumped up kicks
You better run, better run faster than my bullet

And we danced all night to the best song ever
We knew every line, now I can't remember
I think it went ooh eh ooh
I think it went oohla eh ooh
I think it goes eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh

Eh, sexy lady
Po, po, po, po
Polka Gangnam Style
Eh, sexy lady
Po, po, po, po
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh

Hey, I just met you
And this is crazy
But here's my number
So call me, maybe
And all the other boys
Try to chase me
But here's my number
So call me, maybe

I wanna scream and shout Hey
And let it all out
And scream and shout Hey
And let it out
We sayin ohh, wee ohh, wee oh wee oh
We sayin ohh, wee ohh, wee oh wee oh wee ohh, wee oh wee oh

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

It's going down, Hey, I'm yelling timber
You better move, you better dance
Let's make a night you won't remember
I'll be the one you won't forget
Timber, timber

I'm sexy and I know it
Girl look at that body
He's sexy and he knows it

I wear your grandad's clothes
I look incredible
I'm in this big old coat
From that thrift shop down the road Hey

He wears your grandad's clothes That's right
He looks incredible I do
He's in that big old coat It's large
From that thrift shop down the road Hey, lets go

I'm gonna pop some tags
Only got twenty dollars in my pocket
I'm hunting, looking for a come-up
This is super awesome

She's up all night to the sun
I'm up all night to get some
She's up all night for good fun
I'm up all night to get lucky

We're up all night to the sun
We're up all night to get some
We're up all night for good fun
We're up all night to get lucky

We're up all night to get lucky
We're up all night to get lucky
We're up all night to get lucky
We're up all night to get lucky
We're up all night to get lucky
We're up all night to get lucky
We're up all night to get lucky
Up all night to get lucky

Yes, we're up all night to get Lucky
Can get lucky, Get lucky we're gonna get lucky, Get lucky let's all get lucky
We're up all night to get lucky Hey

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08 MISSION STATEMENT

(4:29)

This is a style parody of Crosby Stills &Nash.



We must all efficiently
Operationalize our strategies
Invest in world-class technology
And leverage our core competencies
In order to holistically administrate
Exceptional synergy

We'll set a brand trajectory
Using management's philosophy
Advance our market share vis-á-vis
Our proven methodology
With strong commitment to quality
Effectively enhancing corporate synergy

Transitioning our company
By awareness of functionality
Promoting viability
Providing our supply chain with diversity, ooh
We will distill our identity
Through client-centric solutions and synergy
Oooh

At the end of the day At the end of the day
We must monetize our assets
The fundamentals have changed
Can you visualize a value-added experience
That will grow the business infrastructure and
Monetize our assets
Monetize our assets
Monetize our assets

Bringing to the table our capitalized reputation
Proactively overseeing day-to-day operations
Services and deliverables with cross-platform innovation
Networking soon will bring seamless integration
Robust and scalable, bleeding-edge and next-generation
Best of breed, we'll succeed in achieving globalization

Gaining traction with our resources in the marketplace
It's mission-critical to stay incentivized
Our business plan will foster flexible solutions for our customer base
If you can't think outside the box, you'll be downsized
It's a paradigm shift, hey hey
Look out, well, it's a paradigm shift, now
Here it come, here it come, here it come, here it come, ha

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09 INACTIVE

(2:56)

This is a parody of "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons.



I'm waking up in Cheeto dust
My belly's covered with pizza crust
I'm using my inhaler now
I'm out of shape, fattening up
I'm sipping Coke from a Solo cup
Donut crumbs are upon my lips, whoa

The TV's on, I really hate this show
I can't reach my remote control
Welcome to my new place, to my new place
Sorry it's a cramped space, but it's my place
Whoa oh, whoa I'm
Really inactive, I'm so inactive
Whoa oh, whoa I'm
Really inactive, highly inactive

My muscles gone, atrophied
Always lose my fight with gravity
I'll rest my bones and just chillax, whoa
My NordicTrack's collecting dust
And my StairMaster's a pile of rust
This is it, the inertia, whoa

I can't get up, this couch is part of me
I'm growing cobwebs on my knee
Pretty sad for my age, sad for my age
I could break my rib cage here at my age
Whoa oh, whoa I'm
Really inactive, yes, quite inactive
Whoa oh, whoa I'm
Really inactive, not very active

Near comatose, no exercise
Don't tag my toe, I'm still alive

I'm giving up, my energy is shot
I'm never moving from this spot
Never move from this place, move from this place
I'll stay here in this place, right in this place
Whoa oh, whoa I'm
Really inactive, just so inactive
Whoa oh, whoa I'm
Really inactive, not so attractive

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10 FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS

(3:14)

This is a style parody of The Pixies



My maid is cleaning the bathroom, so I can't take a shower
When I do, the water starts getting cold after an hour
I couldn't order off the breakfast menu cause I slept in till two
Then I filled up on bread, didn't leave any room for tiramisu
Oh no, there's a pixel out in the corner of my laptop screen
I don't have any bills in my wallet small enough for the vending machine
Some idiot just called me up on the phone, what
Don't they know how to text, omg, I've got

First world, first world problems
First world, first world problems
First world, first world problems

I bought too many groceries for my refrigerator
Forgot my gardener's name, I'll have to ask him later
Tried to fast-forward commercials, can't, I'm watching live TV
I'm pretty sure the cookies in this airport lounge ain't gluten-free
My barista didn't even bother
To make a design in the foam on the top of my vanilla latte

First world, first world problems
First world, first world problems
First world, first world problems

Can't remember which car I drove to the mall
My Sonicare won't recharge
Now I gotta brush my teeth like a Neanderthal

The thread count in these cotton sheets has got me itchin'
My house is so big, I can't get Wi-Fi in the kitchen
Ugh... I had to buy something I didn't even need
Just so I could qualify for free shipping on Amazon

First world, first world problems
First world, first world problems
First world, first world problems
First world, first world problems
First world, first world problems
First world, first world problems

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11 TACKY

(2:53)

This is a parody of "Happy" by Pharrell Williams.



It might seem crazy, wearin stripes with plaid
I Instagram every meal I've had
All my used liquor bottles are on display
We can go to see a show, but I'll make you pay, huh

Because I'm tacky
Wear my belt with suspenders and sandals with my socks
Because I'm tacky
Got some new glitter Uggs and lovely, pink-sequined Crocs
Because I'm tacky
Never let you forget some favor I did for you
Because I'm tacky
If you're okay with that, you might just be tacky, too

I meet some chick, ask her this and that
Like, "Are you pregnant, girl, or just really fat?"
Well, now I'm droppin' names almost constantly
That's what Kanye West keeps tellin me
Here's why

Because I'm tacky
Wear my Ed Hardy shirt with fluorescent orange pants
Because I'm tacky
Got my new resumé, it's printed in Comic Sans
Because I'm tacky
Think it's fun threatening waiters with a bad Yelp review
Because I'm tacky
If you think that's just fine, then, you're probably tacky, too

Bring me shame, can't nothin
Bring me shame, I've never known why
Bring me shame, can't nothin
Bring me shame, I said
Bring me shame, can't nothin
Bring me shame, it's pointless to try
Bring me shame, can't nothin
Bring me shame, I said

Because I'm tacky
43 bumper stickers and a YOLO license plate
Because I'm tacky
Bring along my coupon book whenever I'm on a date
Because I'm tacky
Practice my twerking moves in line at the DMV
Because I'm tacky
Took the whole bowl of restaurant mints — hey, you said they're free!
Because I'm tacky
I'll get drunk at the bank and take off my shirt at least
Because I'm tacky
I would live-tweet a funeral, take selfies with the deceased
Because I'm tacky
If I'm bit by a zombie, probably not telling you, hey hey
Because I'm tacky
If you don't think that's bad, guess what? Then you're tacky too
Come on

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12 JACKSON PARK EXPRESS

(9:05)

This is a style parody of Cat Stevens.



Tuesday morning, 8:15
I was riding to work on the Jackson Park Express
Seemed like any other day
Then my whole world changed, in a way I never could have guessed
Cause she walked in, oh oh oh
Took the seat right across the aisle
I knew we had a special connection
The second I saw her smile

She smiled as if to say
Hello, haven't seen you on this bus before
I gave her a look that said
Huh, life is funny, you never know what's in store
By the way, your hair is beautiful
I bet it smells like raisins

She looked at me in a way that asked
Did you have a nose job or something
I'm only asking cause your nose looks slightly better
Than the rest of your face

I arched my eyebrow ever-so-slightly, which was my way of asking
Do you want my old Hewlett-Packard printer
It still works, kinda
And I've got a bunch of ink cartridges left

Then she let out a long sigh, which I took to mean
Oh, mama
What is that deodorant you're wearing, it's intoxicating
Why don't we drive out to the country sometime
And collect deer ticks in a Ziploc baggie, oh yeah

I gave her a penetrating stare, which could only mean
You are my answer, my answer to everything
Which is why I'll probably do very poorly
On the written part of my driver's test

Oh ho hoo wo, ho ho, ho ho, ho ho yes
It all happened on the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
Oh ho, oh oh

I knew she was startin to fall for me
Cause she crinkled her nose, which unmistakably meant
Baby, let's wear each other's clothes
And speak in a thick German accent
And maybe someday we can own and operate
Our own mobile pet grooming service

I couldn't hold back my feelings
I gave her a look that said
I would make any sacrifice for your love
Goat, chicken, whatever
I could never hold you close enough
Let's have our bodies surgically grafted together
Ah, surgically grafted together

She picked up a newspaper and started reading to herself
Which I'm sure was her way of telling me
When you're cold, I will warm you
Ah, when you're shivering, I will hold you
When you're nauseous, I will give you
Pepto Bismol every hour for as long as the symptoms persist
Oh I, I never, ever wanna see you cry
So please let me cauterize your tear ducts with an arc welder

Then I glanced down at her shirt for a second
In a way that clearly implied
I like your boobs

Ah oh ho ho, ho ho, ho ho yes
It all happened on the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express

I cleared my throat quietly, and then I looked away
And I'm sure it was obvious to her just what I was trying to say
I was trying to say
Hey, I'd like to make a wall-sized mural
Out of all the dead skin cells that you slough off
While you sleep at night
Oh ho, I'd like to rip you wide open, ah
And French kiss every single one of your internal organs
Ah, I'd like to remove all your skin
And wear your skin over my own skin
But not in a creepy way

Then I'm pretty sure she looked at me
Out of the corner of her good eye
And though she never spoke a word
This is exactly what I heard, she was sayin
Ah, I want to make out with you
In an abandoned tollbooth in the middle of a monsoon
I want to ride dolphins with you
In the moonlight, until the staff at Sea World kicks us out
I want you inside me, oh oh
Like a tapeworm

I pointed to the side of my mouth as a way of indicating
Hey, I think you've got something on the side of your mouth
She licked the corner of her lips as if to say, "Here?"
I nodded, implying, "Yeah, you got it"

And then the bus stopped at 53rd Street
And she got up suddenly
Where are you going, pleaded my eyes
Baby, don't you do this to me
Think of the beautiful children we could have some day
We could school em at home, raise em up the right way
And protect them from the evils of the world
Like trigonometry and prime numbers
Oh no, baby, please don't go

She brushed my leg as she left the bus
I'm sure that was her way of sayin
I'm sorry, this just isn't working out
You're suffocating me
I need some space to find out what life's all about
So goodbye forever, my love

And deep inside I knew she was right
It was time for us both to move on

No, I never got her number, oh no no
She never bothered to leave her address
Aw... But as long as I live
I'll never forget those precious moments we shared
Together on the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express

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